It’s crazy how it happened but only she could fit an entire life into a two hour dream. Last night I had a dream where I was sitting in my Granny’s kitchen. This was big because this is where some of the most powerful conversations that I had with her has occurred. It was in present day, but it felt as if it was in the past.
The dream started off with her yelling up the stairs as she always did for me to come down to the kitchen for breakfast. She and I sat down and ate breakfast together, and just as I was getting up to leave she said, “Come here Dinky!” So I sat back down. It was at that point that the room changed. The room went from a sunny what seemed to be Saturday morning to a point in time that I once forgot even existed. The color of the air turned to red and it was the day that I stopped believing in God.
She was wearing the same night gown as was the day that I told her, “God don’t exist and neither does Jesus!” Even though I was only 9 years old, I was confident in my beliefs. Granny pleaded with me not to say that to the point of tears. But not this time! Knowing what I know now, I know that this was just a dream. This time around she was reserved. So, I sat back down and recalled that time as if it was déjà vu.
At that point in my life I gave up hope. I couldn’t understand how God who has created all and knows all could love me, and allow me to continue to have such a hard knock life. As a 9 year old I did not feel that it was fair for me to continue to go through the physical and mental abuse, when I was doing everything that I was supposed to do. It took her months to change my mind but it had nothing to do with her words, and all to do with her actions. After months of believing that there were no God, my Granny unofficially adopted me. She yelled it as loud as she could that I am her son, and from this day forward she would feed me and make sure that I have cloths on my back.
At this point of the dream I was taken back to that place. The same feelings of abandonment that I had at that time in my life, and she resolved me of them through this one conversation. Then I felt a kiss on my cheek. It felt like the kisses that she would give me daily, the only thing was she didn’t move from her seat.
Then the room turned to a fading greenish color, I did not know what it was, but I did know that I have had this feeling before. She seamlessly transitioned to the day I told her, “I do not want to play football anymore.” I was torn between being talented enough to play, and no longer willing to deal with the injuries. She was one of the last people that I told. I believe that this was because after letting it out early to a few friends and family members, I received similar feedback. “Don’t be a quitter…you can kiss college goodbye.”
When I told Granny she said, “Good!” I had to ask if she heard me correctly, and she responded “I sure did Baby Boy.” It put me at rest but I had more questions. And before I could ask my questions, she already answered them. I remember her words as if it was tattooed on my arm, and I would read it every day while brushing my teeth in the mirror. “I see you every day limping up and down these stairs on your way to school, and work. Sometimes the look on your face is a look that out ages me, and you have to live your life as a child because you’re my Baby Boy. You have had so many concussions, that I have lost count. And now you tell me that God has sent you a message and you want to follow it, I for one is not one to stand in the way of the good lord! So don’t look at is as quitting, instead think of it as repositioning yourself.”
That was the day that I repositioned myself! I relived myself of the feelings of being a quitter and I left organized football behind for good. Also I repositioned myself to start mentoring youth on unlocking their potential. Then I felt a kiss on my cheek. It felt like the kisses that she would give me daily, the only thing was she didn’t move from her seat.
And as I was getting up to give her a hug and kiss of my own the room changed to white. And I wasn’t able to get up. By this time I knew how this dream was working, so I started to guess the nature of this feeling. Once she started talking I knew that is was the day after I was shot. That is the day I missed my college graduation. I looked forward to that day for a long time, and the night before the ceremonies tragedy struck.
I had all types of feelings going through my head. Regret was one of them because I never participated in a real graduation ceremony. Also disappointment was another one and it was because I was going to be the first male in my family’s history to ever graduate from college, and I didn’t make it to the stage. And the biggest feeling was that of guilt and it was because one of my good friends lost his life that night because of me. The seven of us went out that night to celebrate me graduating and only six of us made it to see the actual day of graduation.
I was the one that was graduating the next day and I was the one that was not allowed in the club. Instead of leaving me outside by myself the rest of my friends decided to stay with me. If only I could have got in the club that night, I felt that we would not have been in that parking lot. After a thunderstorm of bullets two of us were hit, and only one of us were still breathing.
Granny counselled me through these feelings in which I still struggle with today. She sat me down the day of graduation and it seemed that she had read the entire bible to me and related it to my current situation. I did not feel any better or any less responsible for the situation that led to me losing a good friend, but I did feel blessed to still be here. She made me realize that my life was spared and I must honor “Cortez” by not giving up. She said “If you give up then he is dead…Cortez will cease to exist because you would have killed him. You would have killed him in your heart, and if someone no longer exist in your heart then they are dead.”
Although, it has never left me completely, I was able to control the feeling of guilt. I continued to thrive in life and not let the past blind me in the present. Then I felt a kiss on my cheek. It felt like the kisses that she would give me daily, but this time she did leave her seat. She was standing right above me, it was as if she had been there the entire time.
Once again the room changed, but this time it was to black. And as I tried to guess which part of my life I would have to relive this time, I realized that I did not feel anything. Well I felt something but it was almost as if it was “relief.” This is when I realized that these feelings that I’ve had throughout this entire conversation was not that of my own, but of hers, and how she felt at those points in her life. So this feeling of “relief” has to be of hers. We have been so connected, that the same feelings that I’ve experienced, she has shared in those same feelings with me.
Most of my dream was of feelings and remembering how she was there for me, but for one of the few times during this dream Granny spoke. She said “You’ve been my star for years, now let me be yours!” Then she slowly vanished into the darkest corner of the kitchen, and it felt as if heaven opened. I was able to see her smile one more time before my eyes opened.
I came from this dream one wanting to go back to sleep so I could see her again, and two knowing that Granny is good and safe. I was not able to go back to sleep, but I believe that me and Granny are still connected. All the sorrow, frustration, lost, disbelief, guilt and many other feelings that I have been feeling since her passing last month, I know she has also has felt. But the feeling that will conquer is that of “relief” because there is no more pain. She is home, right where she’s supposed to be. Granny did not come back to me in that dream, she couldn’t have, because she has never left.
I also believe that I know why the dream ended on black. She would always tell me, “Two of my happiest times when there’s a bad day is looking at the black of my eyes, and lifting them to reveal the light.” Granny I know that whenever I need you all I have to do is look at the “black” of my eyes, and thank The Lord for lifting them to reveal the light.