Everything I’ve been hearing lately has been the same. “Move to Detroit,” people say. “Detroit has the most opportunity for entrepreneurship,” newspapers insist. “Detroit is among the Top 10 for highest job growth this year,” magazines declare. “I love everything about Detroit!” Detroit-based bloggers shout.

“Do it! All the cool kids are doing it! Don’t you want to be a cool kid?”

By now, I’m wondering if there’s a conspiracy. In that vein, in order to debunk the myth of Detroit, I have decided to provide Reasons to Not Come to Detroit. That’s right: I promise, Dear Reader, that there are reasons to avoid this city like the plague.

This entry will kick things off with Three Reasons Not to Play in Detroit.

1. There’s too much to do.

I’ll be honest. I’ve been trying to write these blog posts for a week. Every time I’ve settled down at the computer, cracked my knuckles, and prepared to write my little heart out, I’ve received a text along the lines of: “Hey, there’s a thing going on in this place. Want to come?”

The answer is yes, because I can’t even skate and I’m still having fun.

A prime example is this past Friday, when I arrived home from a great Challenge day energized and prepared to type, only to receive a text within the hour asking if I wanted to go to Buffalo Wild Wings and skate at Campus Martius. I know I thought to myself, I should stay home to write these blogs. I also know that that this voice of reason was drowned out by a mind theater of delicious wings in the biggest B Dubs in the nation.

The thought of skating should, by all rights, have stopped me. But Campus Martius, lit up by the glow of that lingering giant tree and glimmering with its reflection in the ice, beckoned with such a siren call that I found myself strapped into skates and clinging in desperation to the sideboards before I realized it. And, somehow, by the end of the night I’d left the sideboard and was making my wobbly way around the rink unaided. Reader: if you fear the new and unknown, know that Detroit is a source of both.

2.      There are too many options for fun.

There should have been a hitch in our plans that night. We arrived at said biggest B Dubs in the nation only to find that everyone else had had the same idea and flooded the place – the wait time was 45 minutes to an hour. Reader, if you are a loner who likes darkness and avoids other humans, take heed: there are too many people in downtown Detroit on a Friday night.

Seriously, that is like three stories of wings. Forget Detroit Hustles Harder, clearly more than anything else Detroit Bustles Harder.

We could have thrown up our hands in dismay and returned home in defeat, but downtown Detroit will always reward a hungry tummy. After some indecision, we settled upon the Grand Trunk Pub on Woodward, where the chili is delicious, the drinks include farm-fresh Calder’s chocolate milk, and I indulged in a shepherd’s pie I could have eaten for days. Therein lies the other danger of this city: upon leaving one’s door, there is an impossible array of good food, mostly priced at surprisingly-low rates for a bustling downtown location. If your culinary expectations encompass only microwaved instant noodles, Detroit is much too much for you.

3. You will cultivate a collection of voicemails from Mom.

At any given time I have five different voicemails saved in my phone from my mom, all of which amount to the same thing: “Kathy, where are you, and why aren’t you answering your phone?”

All these people are missing phone calls from their moms. Unbelievable!

The answer to this question is usually “My phone is dead because I didn’t think I’d be out this late.” (For the record, Mom, I’m also always with other people, driving safely, and wearing enough for the weather.) The aforementioned Friday night aside, this week alone I’ve wandered from One Woodward to a fundraiser out in Royal Oak to Ye Olde Butcher Shoppe to a roadside park by Lake Huron. I’ve been exposed to design, culture, philanthropy, truly delicious sandwiches, and nature all in the fell swoop of three days.

And that is why I am compelled to say: Dear Reader, beware. Should you choose to come to Detroit, you will find your comfortably bland evenings of TV dinners and reality reruns on Youtube violently disrupted by cultural events, surprise outings, and unexpected trips to all corners of southeast Michigan’s fascinatingly wide variety of destinations.