I recently took a day trip into the wild lands of Canada. While I can’t be certain, I can say with some conviction that I believe I am the first Kentuckian to ever visit Canada*. And, because I’m just such a stand-up guy, I’m going to share some interesting thoughts and experiences, so if any other Kentuckians decided to head off to that great white north, they will be soundly prepared**.

With that said, I present to you —

‘A Kentuckians guide to Detroit pt.3 – International Edition: A Kentuckians guide to Canada’. 

It’s a working title.

1-    Poutine– A traditional meal of both Canadians and the potentially been over-served and are seeking some solace in foodstuffs in the pre-dawn hours.

Sorry Kentuckians, I’ll translate— over-served to y’all would be something akin to ‘THAT ONE TIME BOBBY SUCKED DOWN SO MANY OF THOSE BUD LIGHTS HE WAS HAPPIER THAN A DAMNED SKEETER ON A DONKEYS ASS IN JULY!’

It consists of fries (that got y’alls attention, didn’t it!), gravy (apparently you can put it on something other than biscuits- who knew!) and cheese curds (I haven’t a damned clue what a curd is but since they’re in such a close relationship with cheese, I’ll give it a suspicious try.)

Nothing about Poutine makes sense, and that should make all the sense in the world to a Kentuckian.

2-    KPH & MPH

Canadians love to go fast! It’s like if NASCAR was a country, it’d be Canada. All the speed limit signs are between 80 and 100. They usually all say KPH on them, from what I can assume, that is someone going around and scrawling their initials onto them.

3- Tim Hortons

Tims. Timmy’s. Timmy H’s. Tim Ho’s.

Whatever you call it, this place is seemingly the official coffee shop of Canada. It has everything. Coffee, donuts, more coffee, and donuts with maple syrup on them. Don’t bother asking for directions to any other coffee shop, because you’ll just get directions to the nearest Tim Hortons. They average one location per city block throughout the entire country of Canada.

4- Hockey

Don’t know much about hockey. But I’ll try to have this make sense.

Remember that time you and your cousin Elroy got in a scrap? Hockey is kinda like that. Except they wear boots with blades on the bottom, everyone carries a stick around and has a beard like Gandalf, and there are approximately 75-100 teeth per entire professional hockey team.

It’s almost like a dance- They punch the hell out of each another, score some goals, hug it out and then go drink 40 beers to celebrate literally anything. These people are going faster on blades across ice than you or I went that one time we stole Uncle Lou’s ATV with the souped-up engine that ran off of moonshine.

Takeaway- Canadians love hockey with an unapologetic enthusiasm second to none.

*definitely not the first.

**this is all going to be terrible advice.

Don’t take any wooden nickels, 

Everett